This just in ... inquiring KENJUs' need to know!

.... so, i had my doctor review monday for my case, and after three hours there - i still don't know where i stand on my one good leg, or if i am gonna have that one good leg to stand on...

but - my story of the 3 hours there more than makes up for the still lacking information (well - more like 4 and a half hours including the before’s and after’s also!)

my appointment was at ten, the office is only an 8 minute drive down the freeway that flies as a crow would between my home and the doctor office, but nary a crow in sight come monday morning... see - the freeway is undergoing widening for inclusion of new "HOV" lanes (understandable since this 'freeway' is all of 11 miles across town as a jumper between two more MAJOR arteries in an already much too clogged orange county given over to asphalt and rubber), but i am already off course here...

so i know the freeway is gonna be an issue, and i know that the exchange i need to exit is closed while they build the new flyover at its crossing, and by knowing all this in advance - i add like twenty minutes surface time to my ride. i exit my humble abode at 9:10, already having been up and out of it once that morning at 5:45 to take my sister to work in order to use her car (and her job being off one of the "two more MAJOR arteries" not subject to delays save for rush hour), pull up to turn right out of my street and see a long line of traffic already slowing.

now i'm thinking - these people are ALL late for work - it's after 9 am already, but less than 100 feet around the corner on my right i see the slowing traffic doing the same crazy dance honey bee's do when they want to tell others where the new juice is at - that kinda lazy figure eight motion - and between gaps in the cars i see why... a two car head on in the middle of the street where there really is no reason to have one, but between the seventeen people running around with their cell phones all trying to call 911 or their mothers to relay the accident - there in the middle of the street is a kid in jeans and a tee shirt just sprawled out like he was trying to horizontally/prone "climb" the street as if it were a vertical surface instead.

i observe no blood - no extended bits of bone thru ragged skin, nothing really to show serious injury anyway, and i also observe that car one closest to me has fully deployed airbags...

aha! 1+1=5!

i assume that the 'climber' is said driver of car one and has been knocked into some sort of “clint eastwood/eiger sanction” mindset by the impact of the airbags and fell to the ground upon a rapid exit from his now useless car, while driver number two is on his cell calling his mother to call his lawyer to whatever - his car still operable (well of course it was - it was twice the size of car one!) so i weave my way into and thru all of this, cursing under my breath as to why i don't really drive anymore in orange county for just this reason: airbags+cellphones+idiots in a hurry to get nowhere later and continue on my way.

down the boulevard, then up and over the "new" crossover bypass where i should have been driving on twenty minutes before if the freeway was indeed "actually" free... and proceed to make a right to head to the building where this fancy state approved review doctor has his office. up ahead: yellow flashing lights - lots and lots of them. pointing "left". and road cones. and barriers. WTF!... the "governator' isn't due in town till tomorrow for election day (orange county+citizens=REPUBLICAN last bastion stronghold), but it is just more road work - the road being the one of course i need to turn on to get to the damned building of said state doctor - now rapidly approaching t-minus ten...

down around the block, back up and across, into the back way thru the shortcut i just invented – yeah, what’s a 14 inch drop off a curb do to a 1994 cougar anyway?

ahhh, finally,

parked.

now? really weird deja vu time... i have been here before somehow, no - this doctor doesn’t hold court in my personal medical rolodex of a cell phone that holds more doctors than friends and family on my international share plan, ... F*CK! ... this building holds the office of my ex-lawyer who fumbled my case for the first year!

oh my, this does not bode well now.......

into the elevator, push floor four - one below the famed lawyers office - and exit into a maze like i have never seen in an office tower and i live in the mother of most office towers concentrated on the west coast - even spent a few years in the line of work designing them!

at last suite 400 comes into view - last door possible of course with a name plaque anyway announcing it as such - and sign in to begin. 7 pages of forms to fill out - "please sign here. and here. and here. oh, and twice here please if you will and we can start on them while you complete “Moby Dick” over there. have a seat - we will be right with you."

off to an office to give a history "you remember dates and instances well?" yep! i do.

40 minutes later, off to another office, “please take off all your clothes except undies and put on this luxurious mass marketed for its beneficial fashion statement paper robe - gap to the back if you will please...” waitaminnitt... i am here for a back review, and not that far back exam i say half jokingly, and she gives me that look

" yeah. that would be funny if it was the first time i heard it" look....

15 minutes of very cool air later on parts that don't need chilling, the doctor enters, charts in hand and begins to ask me to “walk this way, tip toes back, heels now, bend twist turn” – “ OW OW OW” – “oh, hurts to do that?” um yeah.

“can i take this off?” referring to the robe/gown/whatever, it is not really staying on my not so broad shoulders and slips continually down like a moomoo on me, but with the cooled air keeping my nipples erect to the point that the rings in them are keeping the gown from falling to the floor only, i am now less encumbered to just stand there in boxer briefs and complete my review/exam.

"gonna need xrays..." he mumbles, "sure, whatever it takes" i reply, and a flash later, a quick knock on an already opening door and this petite little PYT pops in "whooo hey whups! you are nearly nekkid!"

yep.

"...'kay - can you gown up and follow me?" sure.

down the hall again to an ice box of a room/morgue? and climb up on the morticians slab of cold stainless steel to attempt to lay flat for an xray...... now it gets fun!

the steel table is cold against my back, so i am arching upwards slightly to get away from contact... this puts my not so little "friend" at a much more prominent position than i would care to be in unless it is my girlfriend doing the next parts - i am continually patted and smoothed down on top of my gown to keep it flat and conformed to my steller physique... and she really seems to be intent on making sure a certain square foot of area is flat... but that just isn't gonna happen THERE anyway.... IT just doesn't have any where to go, understand? IT always sits out front of the porch so to speak.... and she seems too, again - really, REALLY be enjoying continuing trying to flatten me out some....... anyways..

35 mins of time elapse between 5 series of xray shots because I keep getting a "cloudy area" in one or two that just doesn't read (apparently a slight scoliosis), so; more adjusting, and more re-adjusting, which leads to more smoothing of course (go figure!) and finally i am done.

okay, i have been in "negotiations" for the last week about an impending ovulation cycle up coming and we have picked out names already, and all i am thinking is.... "i just went thru 35 minutes of highly concentrated gamma bombardments the likes that Flash Gordon would never imagined and highly concentrated at a SPECIFIC portion of an important part of said "negotiations" anatomy... do i actually have anything left now to give a name to?"

....i mean, when my dentist xrays my teeth, i get a lead blanket that immobolizes me in my chair till three interns come in and lift it back off me, and here i am in very form fitting 95 percent nylon/5 percent lycra skin tight boxer briefs and a damned PAPER shield of a gown!

"well HOnee? it's like this.... they all just kinda got vaporized last week at the doctors. you remember... that monday from hell i experienced?"

....oh yeah... that "horizontal" climber? turns out the car he escaped from was stolen, and he was a passenger/co-jacker/something bad - and the driver bailed at the moment of impact headed south for parts unknown and left him there to "climb" away on his own.... fitting i suppose.

whose insurance is gonna cover this one? I’m still waiting to find out what mine covers….